I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
