I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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