i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
