Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
