I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
