If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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