dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
