Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
