when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
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I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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