I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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