the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
