Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
