Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
