just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
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He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
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What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.