he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
