Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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