just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
