she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
