I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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