Apparently you make a good broom.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
