I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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