I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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