you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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