This is not my ceiling
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
