Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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