coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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