I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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