I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
