I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
