dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
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I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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