WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
