Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
