just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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