I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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