i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
