I'm going to jail i love you
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
