you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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