Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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