I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I still have a little drunk in my system
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
