We named our party play list daddy issues
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
