She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
