I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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