We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
