well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
