On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize