Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
