I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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