I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
