y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
