You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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