Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
