nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Randomize
