I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
