remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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